Shock truth behind "Big Cup"
Stuck in a rut? Tired of the same old boring cup-drinking you've been doing for years now? Looking for something new to impress your friends, and really want to focus on drinking as your forum for self-expression? We've all been there, but what can you really do to make a change? We tried all the tricks... different types of cup, mug, tumblers, novelty cups, impractically enormous cups; different drinking styles, the sip, the chug, the gulp; nothing seemed to work. We had just about given up and resigned ourselves to a life of swig ignominy, and that's when we made the life-changing decision to start drinking exclusively out of a saucer.
You heard us right! We're talking about a straight-up saucer, like the sort you might see a cat lapping milk out of. Just like these two little furry trendsetters here, really getting stuck into it. Look at them go. Even breaking with tradition and sharing a dish! Nice. Tasty, tasty, nutritious milk.
But it's not just milk you can drink from a saucer. Turns out you can put just about any commonly imbibed liquid into a saucer and consume it with relative ease. In fact, we're pleased to report that most of the staples, your teas, coffees, beers and wines, are all 100% saucer compatible. But it doesn't stop there! A saucer of gin goes down an absolute treat, and who doesn't love slurping banana daiquiri out of a dish at floor level? We certainly did.
In fact, there are just so many benefits it really got us wondering why more people aren't already drinking primarily out of saucers. Just think about it - they're convenient, they slip easily into a slender bag for travelling, they're stylish, and give them a rinse and they do double-duty as a small plate. Can't go eating a steak out of cup, that's for sure, but switch over to saucers and you're good to go.
So what's the story? Where's the saucer revolution we've all been waiting for? Well, it all comes down to money, of course. For the last half-century at least, "Big Cup" industry has pursued an aggressive scorched earth policy against any challenge to mainstream cup culture, lobbying politicians, buying out rivals and using their media clout to unscrupulously push a pro-cup agenda on an unsuspecting populace.
This whole time they've been serving up a piping hot mug of freshly brewed lies!
Pick at the tapestry though, and you'll be shocked to learn how deep the deception goes. Remember Cheers, that popular situation comedy exploring the epidemic of alcoholism in the 1980s? Well this absolute travesty of a show was actually devised from the outset purely to promote Big Cup politics. Using its pub setting and extended cast of tragic drunks, Big Cup managed to beam a half-hour of uncut cup and glassware ideology into millions of homes for eleven long, tedious years.
The same goes for Friends, a similar situation comedy program from the less popular 1990s. Here the lighthearted tale of six twentysomethings learning to live, love and lounge in the big city masks a far more sinister story, belying its convenient coffee shop locale and cup-centric drinking style. Nothing but Big Cup propaganda.
But you could expect that sort of thing from populist network television. What about an edgy, subversive film, like Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds? Surely an auteur production like this would be safe from Big Cup's grubby, money-scented fingerprints, right? Wrong.
You may recall this particular film opens with what amounts to a 15-minute scene depicting actor Christoph Waltz on a visit to a French dairy farm, requesting and consuming a frosty fresh serving of milk. Terrific. Exactly the sort of scene where you'd expect to see Christoph down on his hands and knees lapping that sweet delicious milk out of a rustic French saucer. But no such luck. He drinks it vertical out of a tall glass like a complete schmuck. Big Cup strikes again.
And you can just tell that Christoph is fighting against his own instincts in this scene. He's saying, "Where's my saucer, Quentin? Fill me up a tasty little dish, just the way I like it, and watch me go to town on that beautiful flat radial bastard!"
This sad decision not only damages the scene, it compromises the movie - and society - as a whole.
But what can be done about it? Knowledge is the first front in any revolution, the people need to know there is an alternative. And we're certainly pushing for a little open-mindedness around this understandably contentious issue. It's time for libation liberation!
This article is sponsored by Saucy Pete's Saucer Emporium, the premier worldwide supplier of saucers, dishes and lapping bowls for the truly discerning drinker.